Stories

Original stories by the [cWp] authors. If you would like to be an author or would like to contribute to the site, drop me an email: C.Whyte or just submit it to the contact page.

NEWEST ARRIVAL!

August 5, 2006
By: CT

Why do I keep shelling out $9.50 to see the same movie over and over again? Attention all Vaughns, Ferrells, and Wilsons: We get it. You are goofy and foolish. You love to crash weddings, drink scotch, and sometimes you still live with mom. It used to be funny when the ideas were fresh like if someone were to drink like a tank or trade sailor jokes with Christopher Walker, but the well has run dry. I am one of the many that went to see You, me and Dupree. I should have seen this dud a mile away, but I didn’t, but that doesn’t mean I’ll forget the night.

After a dinner at Outback, the little lady and I decided to go see a movie. She wanted to see You, me and Dupree because, “It looks pretty good, and Owen Wilson is in it, so it should be funny”. I agreed, forgetting about the laugh out loud comedies Wilson has been in before like Around the World in 80 days, The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou, and Shanghai Noon. Hilarious. And I shouldn’t fail to mention, he played “Oscar Choi” in Armageddon. Who? Exactly.

We stroll into the theatre just as the previews are starting and have no trouble getting a seat dead center, second to last row, aka “The Money Zone”, aka “Justified Seating for a $10 ticket”, aka “The Best Seats in the House”. I sit down in my seat, yet it goes down just a little too far, so for the next hour and forty nine minutes I am doing a half squat. The previews were horrible, thus signaling the impending doom that was about to occur. I vaguely remember one with Kevin Costner where he really stretches his acting abilities by playing a guy who is forced to overcome a tragic circumstance by himself until a young buck comes along and needs his help, to which he refuses in the beginning but then gets swayed into helping him and they overcome and defeat one of the following: evil ranchers in the old west, evil sea people that are searching for land, evil land developers that want his farm, evil settlers that try to attack his new Indian friends, or in this case evil waves that attack his lifeguard buddies.

About an hour into the movie I have lost all hope. I laughed briefly during the first five minutes of the movie only because my girlfriend did, and I think she only did so to try and reassure me that the movie she picked wasn’t going to be bad. Then a really fat person stood up in the row behind me and tried to exit their aisle.

Check that. It was not a fat person, rather an extended, yet calm earthquake. It rocked the theatre for about ten seconds, but it kind of just felt like I was sitting in an overpriced massage chair at The Sharper Image. The screen went a little fuzzy and cut in and out for about the next 15 seconds. When the realization that the movie could stopped and our money be returned to us occurred to everyone, popcorn went flying, people were thunderously clapping, confetti came from the ceiling, their was a clown on stilts juggling torches, a man in a bear suit carrying cake walked up the stairs passing out dessert, it was joyous. Oh yes, sweet sweet victory! But then the technician got the film on, the man/bear took the cake back and a collective sigh swept over the room.

That August 2nd 4.4 tremor almost made my evening. Yes, a natural disaster would have been my saving grace. Instead I was stuck watching a giant broken nose yammer tired jokes and go through the usual physical stunts that are supposed to invoke laughter if they haven’t already been seen a couple dozens times. It was also wonderful hearing two teenagers sitting behind us making out the entire time. The type of make out that has lips smacking together, the same lip smacking together noise that makes you wonder if those lips aren’t on some other appendage. It also makes you angry at the person who invented stadium seating.

So why do I keep shelling out $9.50 for the same movie over and over again? Well I hear Will Ferrell and John Heder are going to be in a movie called Blades of Glory where they play ultra competitive figure skaters and are thrown out of the league because they get into a fight but find a loophole and are allowed back when they become the first male skating pair. Now that sounds funny, right?

April 22, 2006
By: CT

Man am I tired of hearing the story of the Duke Lacrosse party rape case. It's so absurd and moronic, I mean think about it; How many parties have you been to that had more people there than the intended amount? Or how many parties have you been to where people who weren't supposed to be there got in anyways? Or how many parties have you been to that was deemed a "Soccer" or "Basketball" team party and friends from other sports showed up? But I guess in North Carolina, parties are strictly segregated.. but black hookers are still allowed to work them.

Since the police recovered no matching DNA evidence, its back to good old super sleuthing, meaning pointing fingers at every single person until you randomly hit the right guy. Noting that nurses found evidence that the woman was sexually assaulted, "there is lots of physical evidence in this case, but the question now becomes tying it to those particular [men]," says Northeastern University criminologist James Alan Fox, author of Killer on Campus. So after police basically branded everyone on the team a rapist, did anyone apologize to the team when no DNA evidence connecting them to the rape surfaced? Many of these innocent kids will remain in the community after graduation, but they will never be able to shake of the stigma of being branded a rapist by the community.

In a completely related topic, why does every program in the Middle East start with "The Great Prophet"? Iran has been training helicopter pilots to perform new maneuvers codenamed "Great Prophet". The super sonic torpedo that Iran has been testing was also classified under the "Great Prophet", as well as their revamped nuclear program. Every time someone scratches their crotch in the desert, "The Great Prophet" has some attachment to it. Enough already, I'm tired of hearing all the fake threats and goofy tag lines that are being thrown out.

Some girl brought in a tape of the most recent State of the Union address to one of my classes to analyze it in front of the class for a project. The project is only supposed to be 25 minutes long, yet the movie was 53 minutes long. "Who the hell is this chick?" I thought. The audacity to bring in a movie clip double the length of the entire project, and the balls (per se since it was a girl). the balls of said chick to make it the State of the Union. If it was 53 minutes of Bruce Lee fighting Chuck Norris fighting Godzilla fighting that girl from the Ring fighting Jack Bauer, it would have been acceptable. That and only that. Needless to say the teacher allowed it because it was an extra 28 minutes he didn't have to be up there. So about two to three minutes in I notice that the audience has already stood up and clapped a ridiculous amount of times. I turn to my buddy and say we should count how many times the audience gets up to clap.

In a speech that took 53 minutes to deliver, Congress broke out into 59 bouts of applause plus the ones I missed from the beginning. I've never clapped for anything 59 times. That's more than one round of applause a minute. Clapping is one of those things that becomes old after the third or fourth time. If congress would realize that, then the speech time would have been cut by at least fifteen minutes, meaning class would have been cut short an extra fifteen minutes. I could have made seven and a half Hot Pockets in that time. Son of a bitch.

Recent advances in psychology and neurology have taught us that the qualities that signify "cuteness" are actually hardwired into the human brain. Forward-facing eyes in a round face, floppy limbs, a side-to-side teeter-totter gait, and fuzziness all signify "cuteness" because they are evolution's way of tricking us into taking care of babies. In other words, full-grown adults are being manipulated by babies. These poor parents serve their baby masters, who rule over them with an iron, adorable fist.

This discovery also explains why baby pandas are even cuter than baby humans, since pandas are fuzzier and have exaggerated eye patches and therefore excite the portions of our brain that relate to "cuteness" even more powerfully than miniature people do. (This research confirms a conviction that I have always had: I would only care for a baby if it came out looking like a panda).

But this superior cuteness and hence superior power cannot be an accident. I believe the "panda" is actually just a bamboo-liking regular bear in a panda costume. Since we are all predisposed to obey babies, we would gladly let these even cuter so-called "pandas" create a global dictatorship. When they learn to talk, we're screwed. We'll all be growing bamboo for the rest of our lives.

But some human turncoats aren't even satisfied with being replaced by animals, and are creating artificial brains. The "brain" is a small puddle of 25,000 living neurons taken from a rat's brain and cultured in a glass dish and has succeeded in operating an F-22 fighter jet simulator. When you're experimenting with a new intelligence, is it really wise to immediately teach it how to handle an immensely destructive weapon? What if brains-in-dishes are total jerks? The scientists probably should have started with something a little less dangerous, maybe by teaching it to drive an ice cream truck or operate a Slurpee machine. But at least they aren't raping pandas at lacrosse parties with Congress applauding as a secret terrorist mission codenamed "Great Prophet", right?

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

Search By Author

Archive