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The Blackest Man
in America
December 20, 2005
By: C.Whyte
"The Blackest Man in America"
The question is simple: Who is the blackest man
in America? The answer: not so simple and I for one have no idea.
You see, there are 6,446,131,400 people in the world, 295,734,134
of which are from the good old United States of America (and 45
are from Pitcairn Islands), but who is the blackest?
We all know who the whitest man in America is:
D.Y. aka "The Unit," but who is his counterpart? You might be asking
yourself right now, "what does he mean by the blackest man?
" "Black" is a term used as a form of ethno-racial
classification. It describes people who are especially of Equatorial
African or Aboriginal descent, or people who simply have dark skin.
The widely ascribed concept of Black in the West today was begun
by Europeans attempting to classify peoples around the world in
contrast to themselves. Over time many individuals within these
populations have adopted the cultural moniker "Black" to define
themselves. It is important to note that throughout history, people
outside of and prior to European influence had the capacity to identify
themselves as Black, and have done so.
Well, below we will explore and see for ourselves
which person displays the most qualities to be considered our champion.
The Candidates:
SHAQ
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Let's take a look at this guy first: Shaquille Oneil aka Shaq.
At 7'1" and 325 lbs, this guy is a serious force to be reckoned
with. The first thing we notice about Shaq is of course his
ridiculous cars, or as he calls them, his "rides." As you
can clearly see, there is no messing with this guy when it
comes to automobiles, making him a worthy candidate indeed.
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|  Well,
we cannot deny that Shaq has quite the amazing ride, giving
him major bonus points in with the stereotype.
Is it really necessary for the doors to open like
that and for rims to be 26"? The answer is no for the average
American, but "absoultely" for the blackest man.
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 Shaq is a baller, or "balla" as he calls it. There is no one more large and incharge than Shaq, aside from D.Y. of course.
At any rate, this picture clearly shows that shows
that Shaq has mad females and fame... but what in the world is he
wearing?
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 Alright, now wait a minute, how can the blackest man in America wear things like this? In fact, what in the world is Shaq wearing here?
Definitely not the blackest man in America.
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Samuel L. Jackson
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Hardcore. One word to describe this legendary man. Reason the first, SLJ is bald. Everyone knows that people who are bald have nothing to hide and are ready to take on the world at any cost.
Scared, you should be, let's explore a little
more.
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Whoa Sammy, whoa. You haven't won the contest yet but I do appreciate you dressing up all nice for it... very professional as always.
The blackest man in America needs the style that
Samuel L. Jackson portrays at all times.
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Wait a second, am I dreaming? This is breaking news! Samuel L Jackson
(aka Mr. Bad Ass) is Arabian? I'm having a hard time beleiveing
this, but I am forced to look at the picture.
Hey Sammy, what's wrong with America?
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Get right out of town. The blackest man in America definitely does
not play Star Wars.
Maybe if we were finding the "blackest man in
America playing the lamest roll in motion picture history" then
he would fit right in. Not our man.
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Snoop Dogg
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all knew that the Snoop D-O-double-G would make the list, but is he the man who we were all looking for?
Look at that hat! This guy definitely has the
look for the part, but does he have everything else that it takes?
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|  Maybe you cannot see from this picture, but Snoop is wearing a football uniform. Being good at sports is one of the most important qualities that we are looking for.
Snoop also wears corn rows... bonus points.
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|  A
true gangsta (blood) in the most dominating form. Origionally an "OG" from Long Beach, Snoop is looking more and more like the man for the job.
Bling Bling. Suckaz watch out as the Doggie-Fizzle blings it up
royally with his amazing amounts of "Ice."
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|  Is Snoop smiling here? Everyone knows that real American heros do not smile. Yet here it is, photo proof of the Dogg smiling.
Snoop is NOT the blackest man in America.
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Eminem
|  Eminem
is a thug full on in the fullest degree. No matter how much you hate this guy or his music, you gotta admit that he is pretty gangsta, giving him mad points in my book.
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|  He raps! For those of you who do not know, Eminem is not a movie star, but rather a rap atrist. His favorite color is "nothing" and he is pretty much against all white people in general.
His favorite food is pizza.
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|  Hang
on a second... is his hair bleached? Welp, I guess he isn't the blackest man in America now. The only two people who can pull off the bleached hair look are dead, leaving Eminem in a dangerous position.
No one with bleached blonde hair can be the blackest
man in America.
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|  And
he's naked... strictly ruleing him out from our competition. As we all know, the blackest man in America would NEVER get naked in front of a green screen.
Plus the obvious... Eminem is white. Sonovagh.
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Terry Tate
|  Office linebacker and extreme black man, Terry Tate is definitely a solid candidate for the Blackest Man in America award.
Please do not overlook the bald head... and the
powerful stature... pretty impressive, eh?
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A business man to the extreme. Even with the recruitment and trades
that this powerful man has to eudure, he still does it all with
a smile on his face and a flexed bicept.
True animal status is I do say so myself.
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|  One
for the kids to look up to, Mr. Tate always makes time in his busy
schedule to sign autographs for the kids and fans alike.
Notice that the smile is still on Terry's face
and the uniform is in plain view just WAITING to be used again.
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|  Relaxed. Terry Tate always finds the time to relax when he has had a hard day at the office. Knowing when to relax and when to bring the pain train is a very important quality for the blackest man in America to have.
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|  A tinking man. This guy knows how to use his brain, and use it he does. "There ain't nothing this sucka isn't thinking 'bout at all times" as he so gracefully put it.
Much like Mr. T, Terry Tate (or Tripple T as he
is sometimes called [Terry "terrible" Tate]) loves school.
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|  Terry Tate has done it. He is officially the Blackest Man In America. When told this, Tripple T only has one thing to say about it:
"Foo, I ain't even need this award to stay
motivated! Tripple T gonna bring the Pain Train if you ready for
it or not. Wooo wooo! - "(Terrible) Terry Tate."
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