Perish in an earthquake or languish in a theatre?

August 5, 2006
By: CT

Why do I keep shelling out $9.50 to see the same movie over and over again? Attention all Vaughns, Ferrells, and Wilsons: We get it. You are goofy and foolish. You love to crash weddings, drink scotch, and sometimes you still live with mom. It used to be funny when the ideas were fresh like if someone were to drink like a tank or trade sailor jokes with Christopher Walker, but the well has run dry. I am one of the many that went to see You, me and Dupree. I should have seen this dud a mile away, but I didn’t, but that doesn’t mean I’ll forget the night.

After a dinner at Outback, the little lady and I decided to go see a movie. She wanted to see You, me and Dupree because, “It looks pretty good, and Owen Wilson is in it, so it should be funny”. I agreed, forgetting about the laugh out loud comedies Wilson has been in before like Around the World in 80 days, The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou, and Shanghai Noon. Hilarious. And I shouldn’t fail to mention, he played “Oscar Choi” in Armageddon. Who? Exactly.

We stroll into the theatre just as the previews are starting and have no trouble getting a seat dead center, second to last row, aka “The Money Zone”, aka “Justified Seating for a $10 ticket”, aka “The Best Seats in the House”. I sit down in my seat, yet it goes down just a little too far, so for the next hour and forty nine minutes I am doing a half squat. The previews were horrible, thus signaling the impending doom that was about to occur. I vaguely remember one with Kevin Costner where he really stretches his acting abilities by playing a guy who is forced to overcome a tragic circumstance by himself until a young buck comes along and needs his help, to which he refuses in the beginning but then gets swayed into helping him and they overcome and defeat one of the following: evil ranchers in the old west, evil sea people that are searching for land, evil land developers that want his farm, evil settlers that try to attack his new Indian friends, or in this case evil waves that attack his lifeguard buddies.

About an hour into the movie I have lost all hope. I laughed briefly during the first five minutes of the movie only because my girlfriend did, and I think she only did so to try and reassure me that the movie she picked wasn’t going to be bad. Then a really fat person stood up in the row behind me and tried to exit their aisle.

Check that. It was not a fat person, rather an extended, yet calm earthquake. It rocked the theatre for about ten seconds, but it kind of just felt like I was sitting in an overpriced massage chair at The Sharper Image. The screen went a little fuzzy and cut in and out for about the next 15 seconds. When the realization that the movie could stopped and our money be returned to us occurred to everyone, popcorn went flying, people were thunderously clapping, confetti came from the ceiling, their was a clown on stilts juggling torches, a man in a bear suit carrying cake walked up the stairs passing out dessert, it was joyous. Oh yes, sweet sweet victory! But then the technician got the film on, the man/bear took the cake back and a collective sigh swept over the room.

That August 2nd 4.4 tremor almost made my evening. Yes, a natural disaster would have been my saving grace. Instead I was stuck watching a giant broken nose yammer tired jokes and go through the usual physical stunts that are supposed to invoke laughter if they haven’t already been seen a couple dozens times. It was also wonderful hearing two teenagers sitting behind us making out the entire time. The type of make out that has lips smacking together, the same lip smacking together noise that makes you wonder if those lips aren’t on some other appendage. It also makes you angry at the person who invented stadium seating.

So why do I keep shelling out $9.50 for the same movie over and over again? Well I hear Will Ferrell and John Heder are going to be in a movie called Blades of Glory where they play ultra competitive figure skaters and are thrown out of the league because they get into a fight but find a loophole and are allowed back when they become the first male skating pair. Now that sounds funny, right?