Ridiculous People Do Ridiculous Things

January 16, 2006
By: C.Whyte

I've seen a lot of random things in my life. I'm talking seriously random things that most would claim unfathomable, but believe me, they happened. I figured I should write some of them down and even share them with everyone else before I forget, which happens quite often.

To start things off, I'm going to go ahead and talk about something that happened to me this afternoon. I was on my way to the mountains for a "fun filled day at the snow" with my brother and dad when we run into a pile of traffic. I'm not talking about the little "oh honey, I'm going to be a few minutes late from work," I'm talking about the full on dead stop traffic complete with families turning off their engines and throwing down blankets for a quaint "freeway pick-nick." It was bad. I mean violently vicious to the degree that one might suggest an explosive diarrhea patient must experience.

Out of sheer curiosity and a feeling of being way too bored in the truck, I decided to get out and walk up the side of the road with my brother to see if we could find out what the hold up was. After about a mile and a half of walking down the side of the frozen freeway and a few thoughts about how and when we were going to turn back to the warm Chevy interior, we see flashing lights up ahead. One single police man had stopped the two lane highway and was performing individual searches on each vehicle to make sure they were equipped to make it up the slippery road, "Chain Control" as he called it. I didn't believe it at first, so we continued to walk up until we were face to face with a backwards police "Suburban" and a very cold skinny cop.

We asked the cop what the hell he was doing and why he was causing a complete standstill in the freeway, but a sour mouth expression along with what I think was the notorious "stink eye" is all we got in return.

On the long walk back to the car, we passes a Saturn car (what kind you ask? I don't know, they all look the same) which decided that he was tired of waiting and that it was time for him to put matters into his own hands. He honks. He honks long and hard. In fact, he honked so proudly in such an American fashion I had no choice but to mutter under my breath: "…sweet land of liberty…."`and shed a patriotic tear (regardless of my Scottish background and French behavior).

But the main point is this: the traffic is at a standstill, no one is in a good mood, and to make things better a generic Saturn car decides to lay down the horn. I thought for a second: "What is this guy trying to accomplish? Is he showing his frustration melodically? Does he think honking his horn is going to do anything aside from nothing?" I don't know. I bet some of you guys are reading this right now and saying: "HELL YEAH I'd honk too! It speeds up the traffic." But guess what, you're retarded and wrong.

Another think that I've noticed people doing is listening to their iPods during random events. Sometimes I understand, such as if they plug in during grocery shopping or in a waiting room, but since when do does someone need to have music blasting from crappy white headphones when they are watching a movie? No joke, multiple times I have gone to theaters and have been sitting next to people listening to 80's butt-rock during the show. Needless to say I confronted them and made it clear that they were clearly confused and severely retarded.

Here is a list of all the places that are COMPLETELY UNEXCEPTABLE to be listening to your iPod:

1. The Rodeo - I say this because cowboys listen to country music, which powerfully blows.

2. Underwater - iPod's can't swim you idiot.

3. On a date - Unless you are a bad-ass like David Hasslehoff. That guy can do anything.

4. On the Phone - It's just distracting and retarded.

5. Mexico - Self explanatory.

6. The Black Angus - That place demands respect.

One last thing I have to say about people and their beloved iPods is don't be one of those people who wears one headphone in one ear and leaves the other dangling like a single shrunken testicle from your chin. I can't stand people who do that. I never know if I should continue with the conversation or bust out a move or two and dominate all over their face; it's confusing.

The final ridiculous (or as I call it "redonkulous") thing that I've been seeing people do is sing in public. We've all seen it, and we all never know what to do about it! Seriously, what are these public singers doing with their lives that possess them to express themselves in song to complete strangers?

For those of you singers out there dishing out those PDE's (Public Displays of Embarrassment), take this into consideration: if you were good at singing, you would get compliments not stares, and people would actually want to hang out with you more.

Maybe you would even get a cover band together and people would actually pay you to sing for them, who knows. But until then, leave the public singing to the professionals: the homeless.