Say What?

December 28, 2005
By: C.Whyte

Is it wrong to say "Merry Christmas" to a Jewish person?

But how are you supposed to know. With the holiday season rapidly approaching, everyone should realize that there are correct and incorrect things to say about this timeframe.

Here are a few rules to live by to make sure you do not get nailed this Christmas: Do not say "Merry Christmas" to anyone with a beard. I'm not saying that everyone who has a beard is a non Christian, but I'm probably pretty close.

Do not attempt to spell the word "Chanukah" to ANYONE, especially someone who has a beard. So how do you spell the Jewish celebration anyways? The answer is tricky because there really is no answer. Hallmark uses the new aged "Hanukkah" while most hardcore players go with the traditional "CH" approach. Whichever your taste, do not attempt to spell this word out; it will only lead to disaster.

Do not sing Christmas carols. No, not because there is a chance that you might accidentally arrive at a non Christian house and have to awkwardly walk away, but rather because not very many people like to hear them. I'm sorry to say, but it's pretty true.

Do not blow your nose in the Christmas tree. I know this does not have anything to do with religion, but it needs to be addressed. I'm not sure when using pine instead of tissue paper became a fashion trend, but I do know that it has to stop.

Do not buy anything that has the words "Merry Christmas" written on it. For all we know it's not going to be a very merry Christmas this year, so why lie? Plus what if someone visits your house and gets offended by the flamboyant display of jolliness? Quite the awkward time.

Do not put Christmas lights on the inside of your house. I say this for more than one reason, the most important one being that they look amazingly bad (especially the blue ones). I'm not knocking the idea; I happen to believe that the concept is very clever, but the execution and performance of the lights can be sub par to say the least. Then there are always those guys who are too lazy to put the lights on the outside of their house so they just throw a couple on their living room sofa… get right out of town.

Do not go trick-or-treating during the winter vacation. Although I have never actually seen this in action, I fear that one day a confused young man may very well turn up on my doorstep in costume asking for candy. Beware: this could happen to you.

Do not wish other religions a happy holiday if you do not know for sure what religion they are. Believe it or not, not all people in this world are either Christian or Jewish, and just try to get out of that one: "happy…. Um, happy… season?" Yeah right, but it does lead me to my next point.

Do not change your religion, no matter what. I know that the cool new celeb thing to do is to change your religion to something wild and crazy (i.e. Tom Cruise, Ashton Kutcher, Madonna), but it just looks lame. Real rebellious guys, why not next time you startle the public it is because of something a little cooler than "religion." That plane has already left the station (or airport or whatever).

Lastly, do not under any circumstances attempt to know more about a religion than you really do… especially if it is not one that you practice. For example, is you are invited over to a Jewish Hanukkah feast celebration thingy, do NOT attempt to explain what the religion is based around. Nine times out of ten you will be completely wrong and you just might be the biggest dingis-kahn in the world because of it.

Clearly I am not speaking from experience, but I have heard all but too many horror stories. You'll thank me later.