Three Week Advance

July 18, 2005
By: C.T.

On the way back from San Luis Obispo, DY and I decided to map out the rest of what we should do for the summer. A trip to Tahoe and a trip to Twain Harte with the rest of the guys from sc1 sounded good, and we further mapped out our massive cross country 4 years in the making roadie that will take place next summer. We decided that we should go ahead and go to Twain Harte soon, so we call CW because his parents have a place up there with a boat and some Indian Casino is nearby, so it should be good times for all. So I say, “Hey, I’ll call Bret since he’s 21 and can gamble and we can all go.”

Little did I know that Circuit City will collapse if Bret Macchi asks for a day off within the customary three week period.

The conversation went a little like “I can’t go”, “Why not?”, “Because it’s two weeks, I need three or more”, “Splooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooge”. Click

More or less.

Apparently Circuit City is the only company in America that can install car stereos, offer top line Plasma HD TV’s at low low prices, and deliver “Just what I needed”, however are too inept to swap one persons shift for another shift in a 14 day window. But I can save 10% on Television sets $699 and up.

So we figure we can wait another week, but then DY remembers he is going to Tahoe with his family in three weeks. So we agree four weeks will be just as good, and also agree that changes all of our plans to accommodate Splooge is lame to the max. But it dawns on me that in four weeks I will be in school.

Yes, the bane of my existence. The highest joys I felt being the first one of my friend’s to achieve “summer break” status offers an equally painful “shot through the heart” feeling of realizing that I am the first to go back to school.

Sonoma State University, the school that accepts my parent’s money, is a very perplexing place. The ratio of girls to guys is around 80% to 20%, and most of the girls there induce the whole tongue roll out thing, followed by me turning into a wolf/dog person and start howling, then I turn into an old taxi and pull an “Ahhwooooogaaaaah” out of nowhere. It’s happened, scouts honor. The people there are incredibly nice, and are actually happy to go to school. The first month was an incredible amount of fun.

Past one month of residence, Sonoma State University is one of the most boring places I have ever been in my young adult life. The police are still in Third Reich mode and have the town of Rohnert Park’s balls in a vice grip. Any party is broken up by the 65 year old neighbors within the hour it starts, the school monitors every illegal download of music and will make you write a letter of apology for the misuse of their servers, and the roommates I was assigned with were hermits.

Making matters worse, my parents must have conceived me while waterskiing naked through fiery hoops in shark-infested waters off the Island of Exploding Rainbow Monkeys, because my boredom tolerance organ is smaller than Ashlee Simpson's talent gland. In such cases as mine, boredom becomes one of the dominant forces in your life.

As most guys know, some hot chicks aren’t…. how can I say this without sounding mean, petty, and chauvinistic. Okay, as most guys know, some hot chicks aren’t smart. Shall I lift the veil over Sonoma State and let you in on the usual conversations I hear around campus? Enter two random girls:

Girl 1: So, I like went to [shopping establishment] to find [trendy item]. But when I got there, they were totally out. So instead I got this [comically ugly trendier item]. Don't you love it?

Girl 2: Oh my God, I saw [vapid C-list celebrity] wearing that at the [Generic Award Ceremony/Celebrity Circle-Jerk].

Girl 1: Did you hear that she [comment indicating I have no personality and simply repeat what I hear on E! instead.]

Girl 2: I know, and then [likewise].

Girl 1: Yeah, I totally think that [comment indicating my brain contains only a rusty hamster wheel, but due to cost-cutting measures, the hamster has been replaced by a picture of a hamster.]

Girl 2: Yeah. [Silence indicating I have forgotten what we were talking about because I was distracted by a reflection of myself in a mirror.] Totally.

Bystander: I'm going to shoot myself in the face.

By the way, Bystander is one of my nicknames. Boredom almost always is followed by me performing something incredibly stupid, which could explain girlfriend’s 1 and 2 at SSU. Sigh, I’ll be paying for that comment in four weeks.